Living With a Difficult Dog: The Emotional Toll and How to Cope
Owning a dog is often portrayed as a joyful - but for some, it's a daily challenge. If you're living with a dog who is dealing with behavioural issues, you’re not alone, and you're not failing. Whether it’s reactivity, fear, aggression, separation anxiety, or simply just overexcitement, these challenges can take a serious emotional toll on even the most dedicated dog lovers.
In this blog post, we’re talking honestly about what it feels like to live with a ‘difficult’ dog. The impact it can have on your mental health, and, most importantly, what you can do to make life easier for both of you.
You Are Not a Bad Owner
Living with a dog who struggles doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Many owners of behaviourally complex dogs feel isolated, embarrassed, and guilty. It’s easy to blame yourself, but your dog’s behaviour isn’t shaped by you alone.
Genetics and early life experiences set part of the blueprint for who your dog is, while the environment you both live in shapes how those traits show up day to day. We can influence behaviour, guide learning, and provide the best support possible, but we cannot control every outcome. And we shouldn’t expect to.
The truth is, no dog is the perfect, filtered snapshot you see on social media. Those images are cultivated, cropped, and staged. Real life is much messier, and that’s okay.
TIP: Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel inadequate, overwhelmed, or guilty! Fill your feed with realistic, supportive voices that acknowledge the reality of dog ownership, rather than glossing over them.
Your Dog Isn’t Being Difficult – It’s Having a Hard Time
It’s easy to label our dogs as “difficult” when their behaviour disrupts daily life—but often, they’re not giving us a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
Behind every growl, bark, or refusal to settle is an emotion or unmet need—fear, frustration, confusion, or overexcitement. Just like people, dogs express their struggles through behaviour, because it’s the only language they have.
Mindset shift: Try replacing “Why is my dog doing this to me?” with “What is my dog trying to tell me?”
Dogs don’t misbehave out of spite. They react based on what they’re experiencing, and what looks like “bad behaviour” is actually a symptom of something deeper—whether it’s pain, fear, being overwhelmed, or simply just not knowing what to do instead!
Your Dog Is Not Their Behaviour:
Do we boil people down to just their worst moments? No! Then why should we do the same for our dogs? Instead of labelling your dog as reactive, aggressive, nervous or hyperactive: shift your focus and ask yourself: “What support does my dog need right now?”.
Focus on the positive: Think of 3 amazing things about your dog, and two activities you enjoy together, and focus on those!
By changing your perspective, you reduce frustration, and open the door to more compassionate, effective solutions. When your dog is struggling, the most powerful thing you can do is meet them with empathy and curiosity. Your dog doesn’t need to be perfect!
There’s a pressure in the dog-owning world to strive for off-lead heel, and pub lunches. But for many owners, success looks different: a quiet walk, a settled evening, a moment of connection.
Redefine success: Set goals that are meaningful to you and your dog, not based on what others are doing.
The Emotional Toll: Anxiety, Shame, and Exhaustion
Caring for a reactive, fearful, or unpredictable dog can lead to:
Chronic anxiety: Worrying about walks, visitors, or vet trips.
Social isolation: Avoiding friends or events because you can’t leave your dog.
Embarrassment or shame: Feeling judged when your dog “acts out.”
Burnout: Constant training, vigilance, and problem-solving can be exhausting.
It’s okay to name these feelings. In fact, it’s vital.
Reminder: You are allowed to have boundaries. You’re also allowed to feel frustrated, tired, or overwhelmed. Loving your dog and struggling with them can—and often do—coexist.
How to Support Yourself While Supporting Your Dog
1. Build a Professional Support Team
A qualified, ethical dog trainer or behaviourist can be a lifeline. Look for professionals who mirror your ethos, and make you feel supported.
Don’t wait until breaking point. Even one session with the right person can shift the direction of your journey and give you much-needed hope.
2. Practice Compassionate Detachment
You are not your dog’s behaviour. If your dog barks at a passerby, that doesn’t mean you’re rude. If your dog growls, it doesn’t mean you’re aggressive. Remember to emotionally separate your dog’s actions from your identity.
Self-talk tip: Instead of “I’m such a bad owner,” try “That was tough. What can I learn from this moment?”
Little Things That Make a Big Difference
Here are some manageable ways to make day-to-day life easier:
Manage, don’t muscle through. Use barriers, leads, and routines that reduce stress for you both. There is nothing wrong with using management to avoid behaviour from occurring - in fact, it is usually the start of a good training plan!
Find your people. Online communities (look for “reactive dog” or “dog behaviour support” groups that fit with your training ethos) can be incredibly validating, informative and supportive. Just remember, comparison is the thief of joy when engaging with these!
Self-care isn’t selfish. Whether it’s therapy, solo walks, or hiring an experienced dog walker or pet sitter - your wellbeing matters. Take time for yourself and ask for help!
Final Thoughts: You're Doing Better Than You Think
Living with a difficult dog can feel isolating, but it doesn’t have to be. The fact that you're reading this shows your dedication, your love, and your desire to understand, not control, your dog.
Progress may be slow, and some days may feel like setbacks. But growth is never linear, for you or for your dog.
Need Help?
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or just need someone to talk to about your dog's behaviour, Trained by Scarlet Dog Training offers 1:1 support for dogs with behavioural struggles. Compassion-led, judgement-free, and tailored to your unique journey.